Food for the funny bone

what's red and looks like a bucket a red bucket what's blue and looks like a bucket a red bucket in disguise.

A man was at the country club for his weekly round of golf. He began his
round with an eagle on the first hole and a birdie on the second. On the third
hole he had just scored his first ever hole-in-one when his cell
phone rang.

It was a doctor notifying him that his wife had just been in a terrible
accident and was in critical condition and in the ICU.

The man told the doctor to inform his wife where he was and that he'd be
there as soon as possible. As he hung up he realized he was leaving what was
shaping up to be his best ever round of golf. He decided to get in a
couple of more holes before heading to the hospital.

He ended up playing all eighteen of course, finishing his round shooting a
personal best 61, shattering the club record by five strokes and beating his
previous best game by more than 10. He was jubilant.... then
he remembered his wife.

Feeling guilty he dashed to the hospital. He saw the doctor in the corridor
and asked about his wife's condition.

The doctor glared at him and shouted, "You went ahead and finished your
round of golf didn't you!? I hope you're proud of yourself! While you were out
for the past four hours enjoying yourself at the country club
your wife has been languishing in the ICU! It's just as well you went ahead
and finished that round because it will be more than likely your last! For
the rest of her life she will require 'round the clock' care.
And you'll be her care giver!"

The man was feeling so guilty he broke down and sobbed.

The doctor snickered and said, "I'm just messing with ya. She's dead.
What'd you shoot?"

From a strictly mathematical viewpoint it goes like this:

What Makes 100%? What does it mean to give MORE than 100%? Ever wonder about those people who say they are giving more than 100%? We have all been to those meetings where someone wants you to give over 100%. How about achieving 103%? What makes up 100% in life?

Here's a little mathematical formula that might help you answer these questions:

If:
A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z is represented as:
1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 1 7 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26.

Then:

H-A-R-D-W-O-R-K
8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11 = 98%

and
K-N-O-W-L-E-D-G-E
11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5 = 96%

But,

A-T-T-I-T-U-D-E
1+20+ 20+9+20+ 21+4+5 = 100%

And,

B-U-L-L- S-H-I-T
2+21+12+12+19+8+9+20 = 103%

AND, look how far **s kissing will take you.

A-S-S-K-I-S-S-I-N-G
1+19+19+11+9+19+19+9+14+7 = 118%

So, one can conclude with mathematical certainty that While Hard work and Knowledge will get you close, and Attitude will get you there, it's the bullshit and Ass kissing that will put you over the top!

Memory was something you lost with age
An application was for employment
A program was a TV show
A cursor used profanity

A keyboard was a piano
A web was a spider's home
A virus was the flu
A CD was a bank account

A hard drive was a long trip on the road
A mouse pad was where a mouse lived

It Was Said
5,000 years ago Moses said, "pick up your shovel, pack your ass, mount your camel and I shall lead you to the promised land.

200-plus years ago George Washington said, "Get off your ass, use your shovel, clear the land, grow plants for camels and it will be the promised land.

Last week the Congress of the United States said: "Amigos, throw away your shovels, sit on your ass, light your camels, I'm giving you the promised land."

Or something like that.

Warning

This morning, from a cave somewhere in Pakistan, Taliban Minister of Migration, Mohammed Omar, warned the United States that if military action against Iraq continues, Taliban authorities will cut off America's supply of convenience store managers. And if this action does not yield sufficient results, cab drivers will be next, followed by Dell customer service reps.

It's getting ugly.

Believe it or not.

One of the local television stations in South Louisiana actually aired an interview with a woman from New Orleans. The interviewer was a woman from a Boston affiliate. She asked the woman how such total and complete devastation of the churches in the area had affected their lives.
Without hesitation, the woman replied, "I don't know about all those other people, but we haven't gone to churches in years. We gets our chicken from Popeye's."
The look on the interviewer's face was priceless.

Everyone concentrates on the problems we're having in this country lately.
Illegal immigration,
hurricane recovery,
wild animals attacking humans in Florida.

Not me. I concentrate on solutions to problems.
The result is a win-win-win situation:
+ Dig a moat the length of the Mexican border
+ Use the dirt to raise the levies in New Orleans
+ Put the Florida alligators in the moat.
Any other problems you would like for me to solve today?

A British company has developed a computer chip that will allow women to store music in their breasts.

This is a major breakthrough, as women are always complaining about men who stare at their breasts but don't listen to them.

SURPRISE - SURPRISE

        A husband was in big trouble when he forgot his wedding anniversary.

        His wife told him "Tomorrow there better be something In the driveway
        for me that goes zero to 200 in 2 seconds flat".

       The next morning the wife found a small package in the driveway.

       She opened It and found a brand new bathroom scale.

        Funeral arrangements for the husband have been set for Saturday.

The most unfair thing about life is the way it ends. I mean, life is tough. It takes up a lot of your time. What do you get in the end of it? A death. What's that, a bonus? I think the life cycle is all backwards.

You should die first, you know, start out dead, get it out of the way.
You wake up in a an old age home, feeling better every day. You get kicked out for being too healthy, go collect your pension, then, when you start work, you get a gold watch on your first day.
You work 40 years until you're young enough to enjoy your retirement. You drink like a fish, party your ass off, - you've only got a few years left, so why not?!?
Then you get ready for High School. You go to primary school, you become a kid, you play, you have no responsibilities, you become a baby, then, you spend your last 9 months floating peacefully with luxuries like central heating, spa, room service on tap, larger quarters everyday!

ha, ha...

WOMEN'S ASS SIZE STUDY

There is a new study out about women and how they feel about their asses!

I thought the results were pretty interesting:

85% of women think their ass is too fat...

10% of women think their ass is too skinny...

The other 5% say that they don't care, they love him, he's a good man, and they would have married him anyway.

A blonde walks into a bank in New York City and asks for the loan officer.She says she's going to Europe on business for three weeks and needs to borrow$5,000. The bank officer says the bank will need some kind of security for Theloan, so the blonde hands over the keys to a new Rolls Royce. The car is parked on the street in front of the bank, she has the title and everything checks out. The bank agrees to accept the car as collateral for the loan. The bank's president and its officers all enjoy a good laugh at the blonde for using a $250,000 Rolls as collateral against a $5,000 loan. An employee of the bank then proceeds to drive the Rolls into the bank's underground garage and parks it there. Three weeks later, the blonde returns, repays the $5,000 and the interest, which comes to $18.41. The loan officer says, "Miss, we are very happy to have had your business, and this transaction has worked out very well, but we are a little puzzled. While you were away, we checked you out and found that you are a Multi-millionaire. What puzzles us is why you would bother to borrow $5,000?" The blonde replies, "Where else in New York City can I park my car for three weeks for only $18.41and expect it to be there when I return?"

We ARE doomed! Read below: *** sad... pathetic....but oh so funny... ***

Some guy bought a new fridge for his house. To get rid of his old fridge, he put it in his front yard and hung a sign on it: "Free to good home. You want it, you take it." For three days the fridge sat there without even one person looking twice at it. He eventually decided that people were too untrusting of this deal, so he changed the sign to read: "Fridge for sale $50." The next day someone stole it.

While looking at a house, my brother asked the real estate agent which direction was North because, he explained, he didn't want the sun waking him up every morning. The real estate agent asked, "Does the sun rise in the North?" When my brother explained that the sun rises in the East, she shook her head and said, "Oh, I don't keep up with that stuff."

I used to work in technical support for a 24/7 call center. One day I got a call from an individual who asked what hours the call center was open. I told him, "The number you dialed is open 24 hours a day, 7 days a week" He responded, "Is that Eastern or Pacific time?"

My colleague and I were eating our lunch in our cafeteria, when we overheard one of the administrative assistants talking about the sunburn she got on her weekend drive to the shore. She drove down in a convertible, but she said she "didn't think she'd get sunburned because the car was moving."

My sister has a lifesaving tool in her car. It's designed to cut through a seat belt if she gets trapped. She keeps it in the trunk.

My friends and I were on a beer run and noticed that the cases were discounted 10 percent. Since it was a big party, we bought two cases. The cashier multiplied two times ten percent and gave us a 20 percent discount.

I was hanging out with a friend when we saw a woman with a nose ring attached to an earring by a chain. My friend said, "Wouldn't the chain rip out every time she turned her head?" I explained that a person's nose and ear remain the same distance apart no matter which way the head is turned.

I couldn't find my luggage at the airport baggage area. So, I went to the lost luggage office and told the woman there that my bags never showed up. She smiled and told me not to worry because she was a trained professional and I was in good hands. "Now," she asked me, "has your plane arrived yet?"

THEY'RE EVERYWHERE!

1974 vs. 2004

1974:Long hair
2004:Longing for hair

1974: KEG
2004: EKG

1974:Acid rock
2004:Acid reflux

1974: Moving to California because it's cool
2004: Moving to California because it's warm

! 1974:Trying to look like Marlon Brando or Liz Taylor
2004:Trying NOT to look like MarlonBrando or Liz Taylor

1974: Seeds and stems
2004: Roughage

1974:Hoping for a BMW
2004:Hoping for a BM

1974: The Grateful Dead

2004: Dr. Kevorkian

1974:Going to a new, hip joint
2004:Receiving a new hip joint

1974: Rolling Stones
2004: Kidney Stones

1974: Being called into the principal's office
2004: Calling the principal's office

1974: Screw the system
2004: Upgrade the system

1974:Disco
2004:Costco

1974: Parents begging you to get your hair cut
2004: Children begging you to get their heads shaved

1974: Passing the drivers' test
2004: Passing the vision test

1974:Whatever
2004:Depends

Just in case you weren't feeling too old today, this will certainly change things.

The people who are starting college this fall across the nation were born in1986. !

They are too young to remember the space shuttle blowing up.

Their lifetime has always included AIDS.

Bottle caps have always been screw off andplastic

The CD was introduced the year they were born.

They have always had an answering machine.

They have always had cable.

They cannot fathom not having a remote control.

Jay Leno has always been on the TonightShow.

Popcorn has always been cooked in the microwave.

They never took a swim and thought about Jaws.

They can't imagine what hard contact lenses are.

They don't know who Mork was or where he was from.

! They never heard: "Where's the Beef?", "I'd! walk a mile for a Camel", or "de plane, B! oss, de plane".

They do not care who shot J. R. and have no idea who J. R. even is.

McDonald's never came in Styrofoam containers.

They don't have a clue how to use a typewriter.

Do you feel old yet?

Pass this on to the other old fogies on your list.

Notice the larger type, that's for those of you who have trouble reading.

One Saturday morning I got up early. I put on my long johns. I dressed quietly. I got my lunch made, grabbed the dog and went to the garage to put my golf clubs in the trunk, and down the driveway I went.

Coming out of the garage rain is pouring down; it is like a torrential down pour. There is snow mixed in with the rain, and the wind is blowing 50 mph. Minutes later, I returned to the garage.

I came back into the house and turned the TV to the weather channel. I find it's going to be bad weather all day long, so I put the clubs back in the garage, quietly undressed and slipped back into bed. There I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a different type of activity on my mind, and whispered, "The weather out there is terrible."

To which she sleepily replies, "I know! Can you believe my stupid
Husband is out golfing in this shit? "

AT THIS YEARS CHRISTMAST PARTY EVERYBODY WAS ONLY ALLOWED ONE DRINK! THE PRICE OF GASOLINE EFFECTS DEER HUNTERS

Subject: GEORGE CARLIN ON NEW ORLEANS

"Been sitting here with my ass in
a wad, wanting to speak out about the bullshit going on in New Orleans. For
the people of New Orleans...First we would like to say, Sorry for your loss.
With that said, Let's go through a few hurricane
rules: (Unlike an earthquake, we know it'scoming)

#1. A mandatory evacuation
means just that...Get the hell out.Don't blame the Government after they
tell you to go. If they hadn'tsaid anything, I can see the argument. They
said get out... if youdidn't, it's your fault, not theirs.(We don't want to
hear it, even if you don't have a car, youcan get out.)

#2. If there is an
emergency, stock up on water and non-perishables. If you didn't do this,
it's not the Government's fault you're starving.

#2a. If you run out of food
and water, find a store that has some.(Remember, shoes, TV's, DVD's and CD's
are not edible. Leave themalone.)

#2b. If the local store has been looted of
food or water, leave yourneighbor's TV and stereo alone. (See #2a) They
worked hard to get their stuff. Just because they were smart enough to
leave during a mandatory evacuation, doesn't give you the right to take
their stuff...it'stheirs, not yours.

#3. If someone comes in to help you,
don't shoot at them and thencomplain no one is helping you.I'm not getting
shot to help save some dumbass who didn't leave whentold to do so.

#4. If you
are in your house that is completely under water, yourbelongings are
probably too far gone for anyone to want them.
Ifsomeone does want them, let them have them and hopefully they'll die in
the filth. Just leave!(It's New Orleans, find a voodoo warrior and put a
curse on them.)

#5. My tax money should not pay to rebuild a 2 million dollar
house, a sports stadium or a floating casino. Also, my tax money shouldn't
go to rebuild a city that is under sea level. You wouldn't build your house
on quicksand would you? You want to live below sea-level, do yourcountry
some good and join the Navy.

#6.
Regardless of what the Poverty Pimps Jessie Jackson and Al Sharpton want
you to believe, the US Government didn't create the Hurricane as a way to
eradicate the black people of New Orleans;(Neither did Russia as a way to
destroy America). The US Governmentdidn't cause global warming that caused
the hurricane (We've been coming out of an ice age for over a million
years).

#7. The government isn't responsible for giving you anything. This
is the land of the free and the home of the brave, but you gotta work for
what you want. McDonalds and Wal-Mart are always hiring, get a damnjob and
stop spooning off the people who are actually working for aliving. President
Kennedy said it best..."Ask not what your countrycan do for you,ask what you
can do for your country."

Thank you for allowing me to rant.

WORLD'S SHORTEST FAIRY TALE Once upon a time, a girl asked a guy "Will you marry me?" The guy said, "NO!" And the girl lived happily ever after and went shopping, dancing, camping, drank martinis, always had a clean house, never had to cook and farted whenever she wanted. THE END

Twas the night before Tookie's execution ...
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Twas the night before Christmas and all through San Quentin,
the Crips were protesting, and liberals were ventin'.

The cyanide hung by the chamber wth care,

in hopes that the reaper soon would be there.

The inmates were nestled all snug in their beds;
except for Old Tookie, who soon would be dead.

And me with my beer mug, dressed warm in my flannel,
had curled up to watch it, on the Fox News Channel.

I set up my TIVO to record the news station,

and thoroughly loved the momentous occasion.

It seemed lady justice had gotten her way,

and that there would be one less savage today.

When outside the jail there arose such a clatter,

the cameras all turned to see what was the matter.

When what to my civilized eyes did appear,

but a lineup of actors, all liberal, half queer.

The misguided freaks drew many curious looks,

as they proclaimed his innocence; while clutching his books.

The tears then flew out from Sarandon's eyes,

as she nominated him again for the Nobel Peace Prize.

The actors were tethered to an ACLU sleigh,

all towing the line of the urban decay.

On Asner, on Penn, on liberal cop-haters,
On Sharpton, on Jesse and other race-baiters.

Then at 12:01 all curled up like a beetle,

Tookie cried like a bitch as they gave him the needle.

When up from the actors there arose such a cry,

they had failed in their mission, and Tookie DID DIE !!

I heard Bill O'Reilly say, as I turned out my light,
Merry Christmas to all ... there was justice tonight!!

Subject: SENILITY

Two elderly women were eating breakfast in a restaurant one morning. Ethel noticed something funny about Mabel's ear and she said, '"Mabel, do you know you've got a suppository in your left ear?" Mabel answered, "I have a suppository in my ear?" She pulled it out and stared at it. Then she said, "Ethel, I'm glad you saw this thing. Now I think I know where to find my hearing aid."

When the husband finally died his wife put the usual death notice in the paper, but added that he died of gonorrhea. No sooner were the papers delivered when a friend of the family phoned and complained bitterly, "You know very well that he died of diarrhea, not gonorrhea." Replied the widow, "I nursed him night and day so of course I know he died of diarrhea, but I thought it would be better for posterity to remember him as a great lover rather than the big shit he always was."

An elderly couple were on a cruise and it was really stormy. They were standing on the back of the boat watching the moon, when a wave came up and washed the old woman overboard. They searched for days and couldn't find her, so the captain sent the old man back to shore with the promise that he would notify him as soon as they found something. Three weeks went by and finally the old man got a fax from the boat. It read: "Sir, sorry to inform you, we found your wife dead at the bottom of the ocean. We hauled her up to the deck and attached to her butt was an oyster and in it was a pearl worth $50,000 . please advise." The old man faxed back: "Send me the pearl and re-bait the trap."

A funeral service is being held for a woman who has just passed away. At the end of the service, the pall bearers are carrying the casket out when they accidentally bump into a wall, jarring the casket. They hear a faint moan. They open the casket and find that the woman is actually alive! She lives for ten more years, and then dies. Once again, a ceremony is held, and at the end of it, the pall bearers are again carrying out the casket. As theycarry the casket towards the door, the husband cries out, "Watch that wall!"

When I went to lunch today, I noticed an old lady sitting on a park bench sobbing her eyes out. I stopped and asked her what was wrong. She said, "I have a 22 year old husband at home. He makes love to me every morning and then gets up and makes me pancakes, sausage, fresh fruit and freshly ground coffee." I said, "Well, then why are you crying?" She said, "He makes me homemade soup for lunch and my favorite brownies and then makes love to me for half the afternoon. I said, "Well, why are you crying?" She said, "For dinner he makes me a gourmet meal with wine and my favorite dessert and then makes love to me until 2:00 a.m." I said, "Well, why in the world would you be crying?" She said, "I can't remember where I live!"

Two elderly ladies had been friends for many decades. Over the years they had shared all kinds of activities and adventures. Lately, their activities had been limited to meeting a few times a week to play cards. One day they were playing cards when one looked at the other and said, "Now don't get mad at me....I know we've been friends for a long time.....but I just can't think of your name! I've thought and thought, but I can't remember it. Please tell me what your name is." Her friend glared at her. For at least three minutes she just stared and glared at her. Finally she said, "How soon do you need to know?"

THE SENILITY PRAYER
Grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked anyway, the good fortune to run into the ones I do, and the eyesight to tell the difference.
Now, I think you're supposed to send this to 5 or 6, maybe 10.

A lesson to be learned from typing the wrong email address!

A Minneapolis couple decided to go to Florida to thaw out during a particularly icy winter. They planned to stay at the same hotel where they spent their honeymoon 20 years earlier.

Because of hectic schedules, it was difficult to coordinate their travel schedules. So, the husband left Minnesota and flew to Florida on Thursday, with his wife flying down the following day. The husband checked into the hotel. There was a computer in his room, so he decided to send an email to his wife. However, he accidentally left out one letter in her email address, and without realizing his error, sent the email.

Meanwhile, somewhere in Houston, a widow had just returned home from her husband's funeral. He was a minister who was called home to glory following a heart attack. The widow decided to check her email expecting messages from relatives and friends. After reading the first message, she screamed and fainted. The widow's son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor, and saw the computer screen which read:

To: My Loving Wife
Subject: I've Arrived
Date: October 16, 2004

I know you're surprised to hear from me. They have computers here now and you are allowed to send emails to your loved ones. I've just arrived and have been checked in. I see that everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow. Looking forward to seeing you then! Hope your journey is as uneventful as mine was. P.S. Sure is freaking hot down here.

One morning a man comes into the church on crutches. He stops in front of the holy water and splashes some of it on both of his legs, then throws away his crutches.

An alter boy witnessed the scene and runs into the rectory to tell the priest what he'd just seen.

Without batting an eye, the priest says, "Son, you've just witnessed a miracle. Tell me, where is this man?"

"Flat on his ass, Father, over by the holy water."

There was a man who worked for the Post Office whose job it was to process all the mail that had illegible addresses. One day, a letter came addressed in a shaky handwriting to God. He thought he should open it to see what it was about. The letter read,

Dear God,
I am an 83 year old widow, living on a very small pension. Yesterday someone stole my purse. It had $100.00 in it, which was all the money I had until my next pension check. Next Sunday is Christmas and I had invited two of my friends over for dinner. Without that money, I have nothing to buy food with. I have no family to turn to and you are my only hope. Can you please help me?

Sincerely,
Edna

The postal worker was touched. He showed the letter to all the other workers. Each one dug into his or her wallet and came up with a few dollars. By the time he made the rounds, he had collected $96, which they put into an envelope and sent to the woman. The rest of the day, all the workers felt a warm glow thinking of Edna and the dinner she would be able to share with her friends.

Christmas came and went. A few days later, another letter came from the old lady to God. All the workers gathered around while the letter was opened. It read.

Dear God,
How can I ever thank you enough for what you did for me? Because of your gift of love, I was able to fix a glorious dinner for my friends. We had a very nice day and I told my friends of your wonderful gift. By the way, there was $4.00 missing. I think it must have been those thieving bastards at the Post Office.

Sincerely,
Edna

In Jerusalem, a female CNN journalist heard about a very old Jewish man who had been going to the Western Wall to pray, twice a day, everyday, for a long, long time. So she went to check it out. She went to the Western Wall, and there he was! She watched him pray, and after about 45 minutes, when he turned to leave, she approached him for an interview.

"I'm Rebecca Smith from CNN. Sir, how long have you been coming to the Western Wall and praying?"

"For about 60 years."

"60 years! That's amazing! What do you pray for?"

"I pray for peace between the Christians, Jews and the Muslims. I pray for all the hatred to stop, and I pray for all our children to grow up in safety and friendship."

"How do you feel after doing this for 60 years?"

"Like I'm talking to a "f#%*n' wall."

Priorities A man and his friend were enjoying Deer Hunting Season in rural Arkansas near a blacktop highway. A huge buck walked by and the hunter carefully drew his bow and took careful aim. Before he could release his arrow, his friend pointed at a funeral procession passing on the road below their stand. The hunter slowly let off the pressure on his bow, took off his hat, bowed his head and closed his eyes in prayer. His friend was amazed. "Wow, that is the most thoughtful and touching thing I have ever seen. You are the kindest man I have ever known." The hunter shrugged. "Yeah, well, we were married for 35 years."

I hope you had a good Thanksgiving also!An elderly man in Florida had owned a large farm for several years. He had a large pond in the back, fixed up nice with picnic tables, horseshoe pits, and some apple and peach trees. The pond was properly shaped and fixed up for swimming when it was built. One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't been there for a while. He grabbed a five gallon bucket to bring back some fruit. When he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee. as he came closer he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond. He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end. One of the women shouted to him, "We're not coming out until you leave!" The old man frowned, "I didn't come here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you come out of the pond naked." Holding up the bucket, he said, "I'm here to feed the alligator." Moral: Old men can still think fast.

During a visit to the mental asylum, a visitor asked the Director what the criterion was which defined whether or not a patient should be institutionalized.

"Well," said the Director, "we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub."

"Oh, I understand," said the visitor. "A normal person would use the bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup."

"No." said the Director, "A normal person would pull the plug. Do you want a room with or without a view?"

1. You have FEMA's number on your speed dialer.

2. You have more than 300 'C' and 'D' batteries in your kitchen drawer.

3. Your pantry contains more than 20 cans of Spaghetti O's.

4. You are thinking of repainting your house to match the plywood covering your windows.

5. When describing your gutted house to a prospective buyer, you say it has three bedrooms, two baths and an open air feel to it.

6. Your SSN isn't a secret, it's written in Sharpie on your arms.

7. You are on a first-name basis with the cashier at Home Depot.

8. You are delighted to pay $3 for a gallon of regular unleaded.

9. The road leading to your house has been declared a No-Wake Zone.

10. You decide that your patio furniture looks better on the bottom of the pool.

11. You own more than three large coolers.

12. You can wish that other people get hit by a hurricane and not feel a bit guilty about it.

13. You rationalize helping a friend board up by thinking "It'll only take a gallon of gas to get there and back"

14. You have 2-liter coke bottles and milk jugs filled with water in your freezer Three months ago you couldn't hang a shower curtain; today you can assemble a portable generator by candlelight.

15. You catch a 13-pound red fish - in your house.

16. You can recite from memory whole portions of your homeowner's insurance policy.

17. You consider a "vacation" to stunning Tupelo, Mississippi.

18. At cocktail parties, women are attracted to the guy with the biggest chainsaw.

19. You have had tuna fish more than 5 days in a row.

20. There is a roll of tar paper in your garage.

21. You can rattle off the names of three or more meteorologists who work at the Weather Channel.

22. Someone comes to your door to tell you they found your roof.

23. Ice is a valid topic of conversation.

24. Your "drive-thru" meal consists of MRE's and bottled water.

25. Relocating to South Dakota does not seem like such a crazy idea.

26. You spend more time on your roof then in your living room.

27. You've been laughed at over the phone by a roofer, fence builder or a tree worker.

28. A battery powered TV is considered a home entertainment center.

29. You don't worry about relatives wanting to visit during the summer.

30. Your child's first words are "hunker down" and you didn't go to Ole Miss!

31. Having a tree in your living room does not necessarily mean it's Christmas

32. Toilet Paper is elevated to coin of the realm at the shelters.

33. You know the difference between the"good side" of a storm and the "bad side."

34. Your kids start school in August and finish in July.

35. You go to work early and stay late just to enjoy the air conditioning.

SERVICE: "It's the act of doing things for other people."
Then I heard the below terms which reference the word "Service"
Internal Revenue Service
Postal Service
Telephone Service
Civil Service
City & County Public Service
Customer Service
Then I became confused about the word "service."

This is not what I thought "service" meant. So today, I overheard two farmers talking, and one of them said he had hired a bull to "service"a few of his cows.

BAM! It all came into perspective. Now I understand what all those "service" agencies are doing to us. I hope you now are as enlightened as I am.

Wow - some people just take the bare necessities.

White Trash Survival Kit

Toilet Paper.................................check
Bud Light....................................check
Keystone Ice...............................check
Budweiser...................................check
Red Dog.....................................check
Misc. other bottles of alcohol........check
French's Mustard.........................check

Piece of plywood to float your chick and booze on ...check

An elderly lady phoned her telephone company to report that her telephone failed to ring when her friends called - and that on the few occasions when it did ring, her pet dog always moaned right before the phone rang. The telephone repairman proceeded to the scene, curious to see this psychic dog or senile elderly lady. He climbed a nearby telephone pole, hooked in his test set, and dialed the subscriber's house. The phone didn't ring right away, but then the dog moaned loudly and the telephone began to ring. Climbing down from the pole, the telephone repairman found: 1. The dog was tied to the telephone system's ground wire via a steel chain and collar. 2. The wire connection to the ground rod was loose. 3. The dog was receiving 90 volts of signaling current when the phone rang. 4. After a couple of such jolts, the dog would start moaning and then urinate on himself and the ground. 5. The wet ground would complete the circuit, thus causing the phone to ring. This, in effect, demonstrates that some problems CAN be fixed by pissing and moaning.

Real 911 Calls, "BELIEVE" it or not!!

Dispatcher: 9-1-1 What is your emergency?
Caller: I heard what sounded like gunshots coming from the brown house on the corner.
Dispatcher: Do you have an address?
Caller: No, I'm wearing a blouse and slacks, why?

Dispatcher: 9-1-1 What is your emergency?
Caller: Someone broke into my house and took a bite out of my ham and cheese sandwich.
Dispatcher: Excuse me?
Caller: I made a ham and cheese sandwich and left it on the kitchen table and when I came back from the bathroom, someone had taken a bite out of it.
Dispatcher: Was anything else taken?
Caller: No, but this has happened to me before and I'm sick and tired of it.

Dispatcher: 9-1-1 Fire or emergency?
Caller:! ! Fire, I guess.
Dispatcher: How can I help you sir?
Caller: I was wondering.....does the Fire Dept. put snow chains on their trucks?
Dispatcher: Yes sir, do you have an emergency?
Caller: Well, I've spent the last 4 hours trying to put these chains ! on my tires and... well.. do you think the Fire Dept. could come over and help me?
Dispatcher: Help you what?
Caller: Help me get these chains on my car!

Dispatcher: 9-1-1 What is the nature of your emergency?
Caller: I'm trying to reach nine e! leven but my phone doesn't have an eleven on it.
Dispatcher: This is nine eleven.
Caller: I thought you just said it was nine-one-one
Dispatcher: Yes, ma'am nine-one-one and nine-eleven are the same thing.
Caller: Honey, I may be old, but I'm not stupid.

Dispatcher: 9-1-1 What's the nature of your emergency?
Caller: My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart.
Dispatcher: Is this her first child?
Caller: No, you idiot! This is her husband!

And the winner is..........

Dispatcher: 9-1-1
Caller: Yeah, I'm having trouble breathing. I'm all out of breath. Darn....I think I'm going to pass out.
Dispatcher: Sir, where are you calling from?
Caller: I'm at a pay phone. North and Foster. Damn......
Dispatcher: Sir, an ambulance is on the way. Are you an asthmatic?
Caller: No
Dispatcher: What were you doing before you started having trouble breathing?
Caller: Running from the Police.

"2004" Nude Police Officers' calendar.

The all nude police officer calendar for 2004 comes in an all-male and an
all-female version. All pics show full frontal nudity, for both female and
male versions. Just click on the menu to select which one you want to view.
They are available for sale on the site -- the calendars, not the officers.
Click on the site below to view all 12 (24) totally nude peace officers.

http://www.richstevens.com/NAKED.swf

Billy Bob asked Bubba, "If I snuck over to your house and boinked your wife, and she got pregnant, would dat make us kin?"

Bubba replied, "I don't think so, but it shore would make us even."

Oxymoron's....

1. Is it good if a vacuum really sucks?

2. Why is the third hand on the watch called the second hand?

3. If a word is misspelled in the dictionary, how would we ever know?

4. If Webster wrote the first dictionary, where did he find the words?

5. Why do we say something is out of whack? What is a whack?

6. Why does "slow down" and "slow up" mean the same thing?

7. Why does "fat chance" and "slim chance" mean the same thing?

8. Why do "tug" boats push their barges?

9. Why do we sing "Take me out to the ball game" when we are already there?

10. Why are they called "stands" when they are made for sitting?

11. Why is it called "after dark" when it really is "after light"?

12. Doesn't "expecting the unexpected" make the unexpected expected?

13. Why are a "wise man" and a "wise guy" opposites?

14. Why do "overlook" and "oversee" mean opposite things?

15. Why is "phonics" not spelled the way it sounds?

16. If work is so terrific, why do they have to pay you to do it?

17. If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?

18. If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?

19. If you are cross-eyed and have dyslexia, can you read all right?

Why do you press harder on the buttons of a remote control when you know the batteries are dead?

Why do we put suits in garment bags and garments in a suitcase?

How come abbreviated is such a long word?

Why do we wash bath towels? Aren't we clean when we use them?

Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?

Why do they call it a TV set when you only have one?

Christmas oxymoron: What other time of the year do you sit in front of a dead tree and eat candy out of your socks?

And one more........Why do you park in a driveway and drive on the parkway?