Men just don't know when to keep their mouths shut!

 On their wedding night, the young bride approached her new husband and asked for $20.00 for their first lovemaking encounter. In his highly aroused state her husband readily agreed.

 This scenario was repeated each time they made love, for the next 30 years, with him thinking that it was a cute way for her to afford new clothes and other incidentals that she needed.

 Arriving home around noon one day, she was surprised to find her husband in a very drunken state. During the next few minutes, he explained that his employer was going through a process of corporate downsizing, and he had been let go. It was unlikely that at the age of 55, he'd be able to find another position that paid anywhere near what he'd been earning, and therefore, they were financially ruined. Calmly, his wife handed him a bank book which ! showed thirty years of deposits and interest totaling nearly $1 million. Then she showed him certificates of deposits issued by the bank which were worth over $2 million, and informed him that they were one of the largest depositors in the bank. She explained that for the 30 years she had charged him for sex, these holdings had multiplied and these were the results of her savings and investments.

Faced with evidence of cash and investments worth over $3 million, her husband was so astounded he could barely speak, but finally he found his voice and blurted out, "If I'd had any idea what you were doing, I would have given you all my business!"

 THAT'S WHEN SHE SHOT HIM!

 You know, sometimes, men just don't know when to keep their mouths shut.....

Funny but wrong

A retired gentleman went to the social security office to apply  for Social Security. The woman behind the counter asked him for his  driver's license to verify his age. He looked in his pockets  and realized he had left his wallet at home. He told the woman that  he was very sorry but he seemed to have left his wallet at home. "I  will have to go home and come back later."   The woman says, "Unbutton your shirt." So he opens his shirt  revealing curly silver hair. She says, "That silver hair on your chest is  proof enough for me" and she processed his Social Security  application.  When he gets home, the man excitedly tells his wife about his experience at the social security office.
She says, "You should have  dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability too."

Silicone last's forever.

COWASAKI

Subject: Kids are quick ..
                  TEACHER:       Maria, go to the map and find North America.
                  MARIA:         Here it is.
                  TEACHER:      Correct. Now class, who discovered America?
                  CLASS:            Maria.
                         __________________________________________

                  TEACHER:    Why are you late, Frank?
                  FRANK:         Because of the sign.
                  TEACHER:    What sign?
                  FRANK:        The one that says, "School Ahead, Go Slow."
                       _________________________________

                  TEACHER:   John, why are you doing your math multiplication on the floor?
                   JOHN  :   You told me to do it without using tables.
                       __________________________________________

                  TEACHER:    Glenn, how do you spell "crocodile?"
                  GLENN:      K-R-O-K-O-D-I-A-L"
                  TEACHER:    No, that's wrong
                  GLENN:      Maybe it is wrong, but you asked me how I spell it.
                      _______________________________________________

                  TEACHER:       Donald, what is the chemical formula for water?
                  DONALD:         H I J K L M N O.
                  TEACHER:       What are you talking about?
                  DONALD:         Yesterday you said it's H to O.
                         __________________________________

                  TEACHER:       Winnie, name one important thing we have today that  we didn't  have ten years ago.
                  WINNIE:            Me!
                     __________________________________________

                  TEACHER:      Goss, why do you always get so dirty?
                  GOSS:             Well, I'm a lot closer to the ground than you are.
                        _______________________________________

                  TEACHER:       Millie, give me a sentence starting with "I."
                  MILLIE:              I is...
                  TEACHER:       No, Millie..... Always say, "I am."
                  MILLIE:             All right... "I am the ninth letter of the alphabet."
                        _________________________________

                  TEACHER:       George Washington not only chopped down his father's cherry tree,  but also admitted it.
                                 Now, Louie, do you know why his father didn't punish  him?
                  LOUIS:             Because George still had the ax in his hand.
                     ______________________________________

                  TEACHER:       Now, Simon, tell me frankly, do you say prayers before eating?
                  SIMON:           No sir, I don't have to,  my Mom is a good cook.
                     ______________________________

                  TEACHER:       Clyde, your composition on "My Dog" is exactly the same as your brother's. Did you copy
                                 his?
                  CLYDE:             No, teacher, it's the same dog.
                        ___________________________________

                  TEACHER:     Harold, what do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested?
                  HAROLD:        A teacher

This looks like it would hurt!

Subj: LANCE ARMSTRONG SCANDAL!
Date: 8/21/2005 7:06:18 AM US Mountain Standard Time
From:
PARIS, France, Associated Press, August 19, 11:00 PM  --Lance Armstrong's record setting seventh Tour de France victory, along with his entire Tour de France legacy, may be tarnished by what could turn out to be one of the greatest sports scandals of all time Armstrong is being quizzed by French police after three banned substances were found in his South France hotel room while on vacation after winning the 2005 Tour de France.

The three substances found were toothpaste, deodorant, and soap which have been banned by French authorities for over 75 years. Armstrong's girlfriend and American rocker Sheryl Crowe is quoted as saying "we use them every day in America, so we naturally thought they'd be ok throughout Europe."

Along with these three banned substances, French authorities also physically
searched Armstrong himself and found several other interesting items that
they have never seen before, including a backbone and testicles.
 

A guy walks into the local welfare office for his monthly check. He marches straight up to the counter and says, "Hi. You know, I just HATE coming in here drawing welfare month after month. I'd really much rather have a job".

 The social worker behind the counter says, "Your  timing is excellent. We just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a chauffeur-bodyguard for his nymphomaniac daughter. You'll have to drive around in his Mercedes, but he'll supply all of your clothes. Because of the long hours, meals will be provided. You'll be expected to escort her on her overseas holiday trips. You'll have a two- bedroom apartment above the garage. The starting salary is $200,000 a year."

 The guy says, "You're bullshitting me!"

 The social worker says, "Yeah, well, you started it."
 

Some cool optical illusions. http://www.michaelbach.de/ot/

 Dear Mom and Dad,

 Our Scoutmaster told us to write to our parents in case you saw the flood  on TV and are worried. We are okay. Only one of our tents and 2 sleeping bags got washed away. Luckily, none of us got drowned because we were all up on the mountain looking for Adam when it happened. Oh yes, please call Adam's mother and tell her he is okay. He can't write because of the cast. I got to ride in one of the search and rescue jeeps.  It was neat. We never would have found Adam in the dark if it hadn't been for the lightning. Scoutmaster Keith got mad at Adam for going on a hike alone without  telling anyone. Adam said he did tell him, but it was during the fire so he  probably didn't hear him. Did you know that if you put gas on a fire, the gas would blow up? The wet wood didn't burn, but one of the tents did and also some of our clothes. Mathew is going to look weird until his hair grows back. We will be home on Saturday if Scoutmaster Keith gets the bus fixed. It wasn't his fault about the wreck. The brakes worked okay when we left. Scoutmaster Keith said that with a bus that old you have to expect something to break down; that's probably why he can't get insurance. We think it's a neat bus. He doesn't care if we get it dirty, and if it's hot, sometimes he lets us ride on the fenders. It gets pretty hot with 45 people in a bus. He let us take turns riding in the trailer until the highway patrol man stopped and talked to us. Scoutmaster Keith is a neat guy.  Don't worry; he is a good driver. In  fact, he is teaching Jessie how to drive on the mountain roads where there isn't any traffic. All we ever see up there are logging trucks. This morning all of the guys were diving off the rocks and swimming out in the lake. Scoutmaster Keith wouldn't let me because I can't swim, and Adam  was afraid he would sink because of his cast, so he let us take the canoe across the lake. It was great. You can still see some of the trees under the water from the flood. Scoutmaster Keith isn't crabby like some scoutmasters. He didn't even get mad about the life jackets. He has to spend a lot of time working on the bus so we are trying not to cause him any trouble. Guess what? We have all passed our first aid merit badges. When Andrew  dived into the lake and cut his arm, we got to see how a tourniquet works.  Steven and I threw up, but Scoutmaster Keith said it probably was just food poisoning from the leftover chicken. He said they got sick that way with food they ate in prison. I'm so glad he got out and became our scoutmaster. He said he sure figured out how to get things done better while he was doing his time. By the way, what is a pedal-file? I have to go now. We are going to town to mail our letters and buy some more beer. Don't worry about anything. We are fine.

 Love,
 Chris

Subject: Cows,  Constitution, Ten Commandments and George Carlin COWS:  Is it  just me, or does anyone else find it amazing that our government can track a cow  born in Canada almost three years ago, right to the stall where she sleeps in  the state of Washington . And they tracked  her calves to their stalls. But they are unable to locate 11 million illegal  aliens wandering around our country. Maybe we should give them all a  cow. CONSTITUTION:    They keep talking about drafting a Constitution for Iraq.  Why don't we just give them ours? It was written by a lot of really smart guys,  it's worked for over 200 years and we're not using it anymore. TEN  COMMANDMENTS:   The real reason that we can't have the Ten  Commandments in a Courthouse? You cannot post "Thou Shalt Not Steal," "Thou  Shalt Not Commit Adultery" and "Thou Shall Not Lie" in a building full of  lawyers, judges and politicians! It creates a hostile work  environment! And Last but not  least..... George CARLIN said it best about  Martha Stewart .. "Boy, I feel a lot safer now that she's behind bars. O.J.  Simpson and KobeBryant are still walking around; Osama Bin Laden too. But they take the one  woman in Americawilling to cook, clean, and  work in the yard, and haul her ass off to  jail."

Are you tired of all those sissy "friendship" poems that always sound good
but never actually come close to reality?? Well, here is a series of
promises that really speaks to true friendship:

1. When you are sad - I will help you get drunk and plot revenge against the

sorry bastard who made you sad.
2. When you are blue - I will try to dislodge whatever is choking you.

3. When you smile - I will know you finally got laid.
4. When you are scared - I will rag on you about it every chance I get.
5. When you are worried - I will tell you horrible stories about how much

worse it could be and to quit whining.
6. When you are confused - I will use little words.
7. When you are sick - Stay the hell away from me until you are well again.

I don't want whatever you have.
8. When you fall - I will point and laugh at your clumsy ass.


This is my oath..I pledge it to the end..."Why?" you may ask...because you
are my "friend."

I Love Mustard.

(This is a true story. If you have children you will probably relate to this father.)

As ham sandwiches go, it was perfection: a thick slab of ham on a fresh bun with crisp lettuce and plenty of expensive, light brown, gourmet mustard.

The corners of my jaw aching in anticipation, I carried it to the table in our backyard, picked it up with both hands but was stopped by my wife suddenly at my side.

"Here, hold Johnny (our six-week-old son) while I get my sandwich," she said.

I had him balanced between my left elbow and shoulder and was reaching again for the ham sandwich when I noticed a streak of mustard on my fingers.

I love mustard.

I had no napkin.

I licked it off.

It was not mustard.

No man ever put a baby down faster. It was the first and only time I have sprinted with my tongue protruding.

With a washcloth in each hand, I did the sort of routine shoeshine boys do; only I did it on my tongue.

Later, after she stopped crying from laughing so hard, my wife said,
"Now you know why they call that fancy mustard . . "Poupon."

When you stop laughing, pass it on.

After every flight, Quantas pilots fill out a form, called a "gripe sheet," which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft. The mechanics correct the problems, document their repairs on the form, and then pilots review the gripe sheets before the next flight. Never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of humor.

Here are some actual maintenance complaints submitted by Qantas' Pilots (marked with a P) and the solutions recorded (marked with an S) by maintenance engineers.

By the way, Qantas is the only major airline that has  NEVER had an accident.

P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.

P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.

P: Something loose in cockpit.
S: Something tightened in cockpit.

P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on back-order.

P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.

P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.

P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what they're for.

P: IFF inoperative.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you're right.

P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.

P: Aircraft handles funny.
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.

P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.

P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.

And the best one for last..................
P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer.
S: Took hammer away from midget.

At last! One of women's secret codes has been busted!

Fine
This is the word women use to end an argument when they are right and
you need to shut up.

Five Minutes
If she is getting dressed, this is half an hour.
Five minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given 5 more
minutes to watch the game before helping around the house.

-Nothing
-This is the calm before the storm. This means "something" and you
should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with "nothing" usually end
in fine".

Go Ahead
This is a dare, not permission, DON'T DO IT!

Loud Sigh
Although not actually a word, the loud sigh is often misunderstood by
men. A "Loud Sigh" means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why
she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you over
"Nothing".

That's Okay
This is one of the most dangerous statements that woman can make to a
man. "That's Okay" means that she wants to think long and hard before
deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake.

Thanks
This is the least used of all words in the female vocabulary. If a
woman is thanking you do not question it, just say you're welcome and
back out of the room slowly.
 

How To Clean Your Toilet - The Fun Way

Instructions: 

1. Put both lids of the toilet up and add 1/8 cup of pet shampoo to the water in the bowl.

2. Pick up the cat and soothe him while you carry him towards the bathroom.

3. In one smooth movement, put the cat in the toilet and close both lids. You may need to stand on the lid.

4. The cat will self agitate and make ample suds. Never mind the noises that come from the toilet, the cat is actually enjoying this.

5. Flush the toilet three or four times. This provides a "power-wash" and rinse".

6. Have someone open the front door of your home. Be sure that there are no people between the bathroom and the front door.

7. Stand behind the toilet as far as you can, and quickly lift both lids.

8. The cat will rocket out of the toilet, streak through the bathroom, and run outside where he will dry himself off.

9. Both the commode and the cat will be sparkling clean.

Sincerely,

The Dog

 THE DONKEY RAFFLE

A city boy, Kenny, moved to the country and bought a donkey from an old farmer for $100.00.  The farmer agreed to deliver the donkey the next day.

The next day the farmer drove up and said, "Sorry son, but I have some bad news, the donkey died."

Kenny replied, "Well then, just give me my money back."

The farmer said, "Can't do that. I went and spent it already."

Kenny said, "OK then, just unload the donkey."

The farmer asked, "What ya gonna do with him?"

Kenny, "I'm going to raffle him off."

Farmer, " You can't raffle off a dead donkey!"

Kenny, "Sure I can.  Watch me.  I just won't tell anybody he is dead."

A month later the farmer met up with Kenny and asked, "What happened with that dead donkey?"

Kenny, "I raffled him off.  I sold 500 tickets at two dollars a piece and made a profit of $898.00."

Farmer, "Didn't anyone complain?"

Kenny replied, "Just the guy who won.  So I gave him his two dollars back."

Kenny grew up and eventually became the chairman of Enron

One day my housework-challenged husband decided to wash his sweatshirt.
Seconds after he stepped into the laundry room, he shouted to me,
"What setting do I use on the washing machine?" "It depends," I
replied. "What does it say on your shirt?" He yelled back, "University
of Oklahoma." And they say blondes are dumb...

A couple is lying in bed. The man says, "I am going to make you the
happiest woman in the world." The woman says, "I'll miss you..."

"It's just too hot to wear clothes today," Jack says as he stepped out
of the shower, "Honey, what do you think the neighbors would think if I
mowed the lawn like this?" Probably that I married you for your
money," she replied.

He said - Since I first laid eyes on you, I have wanted to make love to
you really badly. She said - Well, you succeeded.

He said - Shall we try swapping positions tonight? She said - That's a
good idea... you stand by the ironing board while I sit on the sofa and
fart.

He said - What have you been doing with all the grocery money I gave
you? She said - Turn sideways and look in the mirror.

Q: What do you call an intelligent, good looking, sensitive man?

A: A rumor

A Wish Is a Wish

A married couple in their 60s were out celebrating their 35th wedding anniversary in a quiet, romantic little restaurant.  Suddenly, a tiny yet beautiful fairy appeared on their table and said, "For being such an exemplary married couple and for being faithful to each other for all this time, I will grant you each a wish.

"Ooh, I want to travel around the world with my darling husband," said the wife. The fairy moved her magic stick and - abracadabra! - two tickets for the new QM2 luxury liner appeared in her hands.

Now it was the husband's turn.  He thought for a moment and said: "Well, this is all very romantic, but an opportunity like this only occurs once in a lifetime, so, I'm sorry my love, but my wish is to have a wife 30 years younger than me."

The wife and the fairy were deeply disappointed, but a wish is a wish. So the fairy made a circle with her magic stick and - abracadabra! - the husband became 92 years old.

The Moral Of The Story:

Men might be ungrateful idiots...
But, fairies are...females.
 

Lost wives at Walmart

Two guys are wandering about in Wal-Mart when their
carts collide.
One says to the other: "Sorry, I was looking for my
wife."
"Yeah, so am I, and I'm getting kinda pissed."
"Well, let's help each other out. What's your wife
look like?"
"Kinda tall, long blonde hair, long legs, good boobs,
tight butt.
What's yours look like?"
"Never mind, let's look for yours."

Technologically challenged

IF YOU THINK YOU have heard all stories ABOUT COMPUTERS, READ THIS - YOU'LL CRACK UP!

Take heart, anyone who believes he or she is technologically challenged, you "ain't seen nuthin" yet. This is an excerpt from a Wall Street Journal article:

1. Compaq is considering changing the command "Press Any Key" to "Press Return Key" because of the flood of calls asking where the "Any" key is.

2. AST technical support had a caller complaining that her mouse was hard to control with the dust cover on. The cover turned out to be the plastic bag the mouse was packaged in.

3. Another Dell customer called to say he couldn't get his computer to fax anything. After 4 0 minutes of troubleshooting, the technician discovered the man was trying to fax a piece of paper by holding it in front of the monitor screen and hitting the "Send" key.

4. Yet another Dell customer called to complain that his keyboard no longer worked. He had cleaned it by filling up his bathtub with soap and water and soaking the keyboard for a day, then removing all the keys and washing them individually.

5. A Dell technician received a call from a customer who was enraged because his computer had told him he was "Bad and an invalid." The tech explained that the computer's "bad command" and "invalid" responses shouldn't be taken personally.

6. A confused caller to IBM was having trouble printing documents. He told the technician that the computer had said it "couldn't find printer." The user had also tried turning the computer screen to face the printer-but that his computer still couldn't "see" the printer.

7. An exasperated caller to Dell Computer Tech Support couldn't get her new Dell Computer to turn on. After ensuring the computer was plugged in, the technician asked her what happened when she pushed the power button. Her response! , "I pushed and pushed on this foot pedal and nothing happened. " The "foot pedal" turned out to be the computer's mouse...

8. Another customer called Compaq tech support to say her brand new computer wouldn't work. She said she unpacked the unit, plugged it in and sat there for 20 minutes waiting for something to happen. When asked what happened when she pressed the power switch, she asked, "What power switch?"

9. Another IBM customer had trouble installing software and rang for support "I put in the first disk, and that was OK. It said to put in the second disk, and had some problems with the disk. When it said to put in the third disk, I couldn't even fit it in. " The user hadn't realized that Insert Disk 2" implied removing Disk 1 first.

10. A story from a Novell NetWare Sysop:

CALLER: "Hello, is this Tech Support?"

TECH: "Yes, it is. How may I help you?"

CALLER: "The cup holder on my PC is broken -and I am within my warranty period. How do I go about getting that fixed?"

TECH: "I'm sorry, but did you say a cup holder?"

CALLER: "Yes, it's attached to the front of my computer."

TECH: "Please excuse me. If I seem a bit stumped, it's because I am. Did you receive this as part of a promotional at a trade show? How did you get this cup holder? Does it have any trademark on it?"

CALLER: "It came with my computer. I don't know anything about a promotional It just has '4X' on it." At this point, the Tech Rep had to mute the caller because he couldn't stand it. He was laughing too hard. The caller had been using the load drawer of the CD-ROM drive as a cup holder and it had snapped it off the drive.

11. A woman called the Canon help desk with a problem with her printer. The tech asked her if she was "running it under windows." The woman responded, No, my desk is next to the door. But that is a good point. The man sitting in the cubicle next to me is under a window and his printer is working fine.

12. And last but not l east: TECH SUPPORT: "O.K. Bob, let's press the control and escape keys at the same time. That brings up a task list in the middle of the screen. Now type the letter " P" to bring up the Program Manager."

CUSTOMER: "I don't have a 'P'".

TECH SUPPORT: "On your keyboard, Bob."

CUSTOMER: "What do you mean?"

TECH SUPPORT: " 'P' on your keyboard, Bob."

CUSTOMER: "I'm not going to do that..."

Nobody ever shows the pictures of what happens after the suicide jumper hits the sidewalk. Only look if you have a strong stomach. Click here to look.

Actually Taken From Classified Ads In Newspapers:

FREE YORKSHIRE TERRIER. 8 years old. Hateful little dog. Bites

----------------------------------

FREE PUPPIES: 1/2 Cocker Spaniel, 1/2 sneaky
neighbor's dog

--------------------------------

FREE PUPPIES.. Part German Shepherd, part stupid dog

----------------------------------

GERMAN SHEPHERD 85 lbs. Neutered. Speaks German.
Free

-------------------------------------

FOUND: DIRTY WHITE DOG. Looks like a rat .. been
out awhile.

Better be a reward.

-----------------------------------

NORDIC TRACK $300 Hardly used, call Chubby

-------------------------------------

GEORGIA PEACHES, California grown - 89 cents lb.

------------------------------------------

NICE PARACHUTE: Never opened - used once

-----------------------------------------

JOINING NUDIST COLONY! Must sell washer and dryer
$300

------------------------------------------

(AND THE BEST ONE)

FOR SALE BY OWNER: Complete set of Encyclopedia
Britannica. 45volumes.
Excellent condition! .! $1,000 ! or best offer. No
longer needed. Got married
last month. Wife knows everything
 

John went to visit his 90 year old grandfather in a very secluded, rural area of Georgia.

After spending a great evening chatting the night away, John's grandfather prepared breakfast of bacon, eggs and toast.   However, John noticed a film like substance on his plate, and questioned his grandfather asking, "Are these plates clean?"

His grandfather replied, "They're as clean as cold water can get them.   Just you go ahead and finish your meal, Sonny!"

For lunch the old man made hamburgers.   Again, John was concerned about the plates as his appeared to have tiny specks around the edge that looked like dried egg and asked, "Are you sure these plates are clean?"

Without looking up the old man said, "I told you before, Sonny, those dishes are as clean as cold water can get them.   Now don't you fret, I don't want to hear another word about it!"

Later that afternoon, John was on his way to a nearby town and as he was leaving, his grandfather's dog started to growl, and wouldn't let him pass.   John yelled and said, "Grandfather, your dog won't let me get to my car."

Without diverting his attention from the football game he was watching on TV, the old man shouted ... "COLDWATER, GO LAY DOWN!!!!"

A teacher noticed that a little boy at the back of the class was squirming around, scratching his crotch, and not paying attention. She went back to find out what was going on. He was quite embarrassed and whispered that he had just recently been circumcised and he was quite itchy. The teacher told him to go down to the principal's office.

He was to telephone his mother and ask her what he should do about it.

He did it and returned to his class.

Suddenly, there was a commotion at the back of the room. She went back to investigate only to find him sitting at his desk with his penis hanging out. I thought I told you to call your Mom." She screamed.

I did," he said, "And she told me that if I could stick it out till noon she would come and get me.

You know it is spring time when the girls start showing their belly buttons again!

AS WE AGE, OUR PRIORITIES CHANGE!!!!!!!.......

The other day I came home and was greeted by my wife, dressed only in very sexy underwear and holding a couple of short velvet ropes.

"Tie me up," she purred, "and you can do anything you want."

So, I tied her up and went riding.
 

A 90-year-old man said to his doctor, "I've never felt better. I have a 24-year-old bride who is pregnant with my child. What do you think about that?"

The doctor considered his question for a minute and then said, "I have an elderly friend who is a hunter and never misses a season. One day when he was going out in a bit of a hurry, he accidentally picked up his umbrella instead of his gun. When he got to the creek, he saw a beaver sitting beside the stream. He raised his umbrella and went, 'bang, bang' and the beaver fell dead. What do you think of that?"

The 90-year-old said, "I'd say somebody else shot that beaver."

The doctor replied, "My point exactly."
 

Office 2006 is here!
These are the latest features for the new 2006 business computers!

A couple finds the perfect chapel for their redneck weddin!

And for the cake!

A kindergarten pupil told his teacher he'd found a cat, but  it was dead.

 "How do you know that the cat was dead?" she asked her pupil. 

"Because I pissed in its ear and it didn't move," answered the  child innocently.

  You did WHAT ? ! ?" the teacher exclaimed in surprise.

"You know,"explained the boy, "I leaned over and went 'Pssst!' and it didn't move."

It was that time, during the Sunday morning service, for the children's sermon. All the children were invited to come forward.
One little girl was wearing a particularly pretty dress and, as she sat down, the pastor leaned over and said,
"That is a very pretty dress. Is it your Easter Dress?"
The little girl replied, directly into the pastor's clip-on microphone,
 "Yes, and my Mom says it's a bitch to iron."

One day the first grade teacher was reading the story of Chicken Little to her class. She came to the part of the story where Chicken Little tried to warn the farmer. She read, ".... and so Chicken Little went up to the farmer and said, "The sky is falling, the sky is falling!"

The teacher paused then asked the class, "And what do you think that farmer said?"
>       >
One little girl raised her hand and said, "I think he said: 'Holy Shit! A talking chicken!'"
The teacher was unable to teach for the next 10 minutes.

A certain little girl, when asked her name, would reply, "I'm Mr. Sugarbrown's daughter." Her mother told her this was wrong, she must say, "I'm Jane Sugarbrown."
The Vicar spoke to her in Sunday School, and said, "Aren't you Mr. Sugarbrown's daughter?"
She replied, "I thought I was, but mother says I'm not."
 

A little girl goes to the barber shop with her father. She stands next to the barber chair, while her dad gets his hair cut, eating a snack cake
The barber says to her, "Sweetheart, you're gonna get hair on your Twinkie."
She says, "Yes, I know, and I'm gonna get boobs too."
 

An Erie, PA policeman had a perfect spot to watch for speeders, but wasn'to getting many. Then he discovered the problem. A twelve year old boy was standing up the road with a hand painted sign, which read "RADAR TRAP AHEAD". The officer then found a young accomplice down the road with a sign reading "TIPS" and a bucket full of money. (And we used to just sell lemonade!)
 

A young woman was pulled over for speeding. As the Pennsylvania State Trooper walked to her car window, flipping open his ticket book, she said "I bet you are going to sell me a ticket to the State Troopers Ball". He replied, "Pennsylvania State Troopers don't have balls". There was a moment of silence while she smiled, and he realized what he'd just said. He then closed his book, got back in his patrol car and left. She was laughing too hard to start her car.

WIFE VS. HUSBAND

A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word. An earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither of them wanted to concede their position. As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats, and pigs, the husband asked sarcastically, "Relatives of yours?" "Yep," the wife replied, "in-laws."


CREATION

A man said to his wife one day, "I don't know how you can be so stupid and so beautiful all at the same time.
" The wife responded, "Allow me to explain. God made me beautiful so you would be attracted to me; God made me stupid so I would be attracted to you!


WHO DOES WHAT

A man and his wife were having an argument about who should brew the coffee each morning.
The wife said, "You should do it, because you get up first, and then we don't have to wait as long to get our coffee."
The husband said, " You are in charge of cooking around here and you should do it, because that is your job, and I can just wait for my coffee."
Wife replies, "No, you should do it, and besides, it is in the Bible that the man should do the coffee."
Husband replies, "I can't believe that, show me."
So she fetched the Bible, and opened the New Testament and showed him at the top of several pages, that it indeed says..........    "HEBREWS"

Why don't cannibals eat clowns?
Because they taste funny.
 

One night at " Cheers " , Cliff Clavin explained the "Buffalo Theory" to his buddy Norm:

"Well ya see, Norm, it's like this. A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo. And when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first.

This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members.

In much the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol, as we know, kills brain cells. But naturally, it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first.

  In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine! That's why you always feel smarter after a few beers."

TEQUILA HOLIDAY CAKE

 1 cup  water                                   Lemon juice
 4 large  eggs                                  1 tsp. baking soda
 1 cup  sugar                                    Nuts
 1 tsp.  salt                                      1 bottle tequila
 1 cup of brown  sugar                    2 cups dried fruit
  -----------------------------------------------------
 Sample the tequila  to check quality.
 Take a large bowl, check the tequila again. To be sure
 it is of the highest quality, pour one level cup and drink.
  Repeat.
 Turn on the electric mixer.
 Beat one cup of butter in a  large fluffy bowl.
 Add one teaspoon of sugar. Beat again.
 At  this point it's best to make sure the tequila is still OK.
 Try another  cup.....just in case.
 Turn off the mixerer thingy.
 Break 2 eggs  and add to the bowl and chuck in the cup of dried
 fruit.
 Pick the  frigging fruit up off the floor.
 Mix on the turner.
 If the fried  druit gets stuck in the beaterers
 just pry it loose with a  drewscriver.
 Sample the tequila to check for tonsisticity.
 Next,  sift two cups of salt. Or something.
 Check the tequila.
 Now  shift the lemon juice and strain your nuts.
 Add one table.
 Add a  spoon of sugar, or somefink.
 Whatever you can find.
 Greash the  oven.
 Turn the cake tin 360 degrees and try not to fall over.
  Don't forget to beat off the turner.
 Finally, throw the bowl through the  window.
 Finish the tequila and wipe counter with the cat.

 NAPPY YEW HEAR!

A Sunday school class was  studying the Ten Commandments. They were
    ready to discuss the last one. The  teacher asked if anyone could
   tell her what it was. Susie raised her! hand,  stood tall, and quoted,
    "Thou shall not take the covers off thy neighbor's  wife,"

    ***********************************

    Our five-year-old son  Mark couldn't wait to tell his friend about
   the movie we had watched on  television, "20,000 Leagues Under the
   Sea."   The scenes with the submarine and  the giant octopus had kept
   him
    wide-eyed. In the middle of the telling, my  husband interrupted
   Mark,  "What caused the submarine to sink?" With a look of  incredulity
   Mark replied, "Dad, it was the 20,000 leaks!!"

    ***************************************

    A second grader came home from school and said to her mother "Mom,
    guess what? We learned how to  make babies today." The mother, more
    than a little surprised, tried to keep  her cool. "That's
    interesting," she said, "How do you make babies?" "It's  simple,"
    replied the girl. "You just change "y" to "i" and add "es".

    (Why wouldn't any grade school teacher love that one???)

    ****************************************
     " Give me a  sentence about a public servant," said a teacher. The
    small boy wrote: "The  fireman came down the ladder pregnant." The
    teacher took the lad aside to  correct him. "Don't you know what
    pregnant means?" she asked. Sure," said the  young boy confidently" It
    means carrying a child."

    ********************************************

    A grandmother was  surprised by her 7 year old grandson one
   morning.
    He had made her coffee. She  drank what was the worst cup of coffee
   In her life. When she got to the  bottom, there were three of those
    little green army men in the cup. She said  "Honey, what are these
    army men doing in my coffee?" Her grandson said,  "Grandma, it says
   on TV, "The best part of waking up is soldiers in your  cup!"

    ***********************************

    A nursery school teacher was delivering a station wagon full of
   kids home one day when a fire truck zoomed past. Sitting in the front
   seat of the fire truck was a Dalmatian dog. The children started
   discussing the dog's duties. "They use him to keep crowds back,"
   said one youngster. "No," said another, "he's just  for good luck" A
   third child brought the argument to a close...."They use the dogs", she
    said firmly, "to find the fire hydrant."

Did you hear that two rabbits escaped from the zoo and so far they have only been able to recaptured 116 of them?

After eating an entire bull, a mountain lion felt so good he started roaring.

He kept roaring and roaring until a hunter came along and shot him.

The moral: When you're full of bull, keep your mouth shut.

Hear about the new sushi bar that caters exclusively to lawyers?

It's called, Sosumi.

What do the men in a singles bar have in common?

They're all married!

A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.

A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change and she does.

Reaching the end of a job interview, the human resources person asked a young engineer fresh out of college what kind of a salary he was looking for.
"In the neighborhood of $140,000 a year, depending on the benefits package," said the engineer.
"Well, what would you say to a package of 5 weeks' vacation, 14 paid holidays, full medical and dental, company matching retirement fund to 50% of salary, and a company car leased every 2 years...say, a red Corvette?"
"Wow! Are you kidding?"
"Yeah," said the HR manager, "but you started it."

The definition of 'Bravery'

True bravery is arriving home stinking drunk after
a very late night out with the boys.....

 Then.....being assaulted by your wife with a broom,
 And still having the guts to ask:

 "Are you cleaning, or were you flying somewhere?"

LITTLE JOHNNY ASKS:  "Daddy, how was I born?"


  DAD SAYS: "Ah, my son, I guess one day you will need to find out  anyway!
 "Well, you see your Mom and I first got together in a chat room on MSN.
 Then I set up a date via e-mail with your mom and we met at a  cyber-cafe.
  "We sneaked into a secluded room, where your mother agreed to a  download from my hard drive. As soon as I was ready to upload, we  discovered that neither one of us had used a firewall, and since it  was too late to hit the delete button, nine months later a blessed  little Pop-Up appeared and said: You've Got Male! "

Yesterday, scientists for Health Canada suggested that men should take a look at their beer consumption, considering the results of a recent analysis that revealed the presence of female hormones in beer. The theory is that drinking beer makes men turn into women. To test the finding, 100 men were fed 6 pints of beer each. It was then observed that 100% of the men gained weight, talked excessively without making sense, became overly emotional, couldn't drive, failed to think rationally, argued over nothing, and refused to apologize when wrong. No further testing isp lanned

A few Jokes from my kids:

What does a frog on a diet drink? Diet croak.

What is the funniest car on the road? A Jokeswagon.

If you spelled won like wun would that make the spelling triple u n?

How many republicans does it take to change a lightbulb?

Three. One to change the bulb, one to call the media to publicize it, and one to blame the electric bill on the democrats.

''They're smart pills,'' said the other boy. ''Eat them and they'll make you smarter.

So he ate them and said, ''These taste like shit.''

''See,'' said the other boy, ''you're already getting smarter.''

The difference between the Iron man class and the Over 40 Class

Martin wakes up at home with a huge hangover. He
forces himself to open his eyes, and the first thing
he sees is a couple of aspirins and a glass of water
on the side table. He sits down and sees his clothing
in front of him, all clean and pressed.

Martin looks around the room and sees that it is in
perfect order, spotless, clean. So is the rest of the
house. He takes the aspirins and notices a note on the
table. "Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early
to go shopping. Love You!"

So he goes to the kitchen and sure enough there is a
hot breakfast and the morning newspaper. His son is
also at the table, eating. Martin asks, "Son, what
happened last night?" His son says, "Well, you came
home around 3AM, drunk and delirious. Broke some
furniture, puked in the hallway, and gave yourself a
black eye when you stumbled into the door."

Confused, Martin asks, "So, why is everything in order
and so clean, and breakfast is on the table waiting
for me?" His son replies, "Oh, that! Mom dragged you
to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your pants
off, you said, "Lady leave me alone! I'm married!"
 

Mississippi Student Absentees
These are real notes written from parents in a Mississippi school district.
The spelling has been left intact.



My son is under a doctor's care and should not take P.E. today.
Please execute him.

Please excuse Lisa for being absent.
She was sick and I had her shot.

Dear School: Please ekscuse John being absent
on Jan. 28, 29, 30, 31, 32, and also 33.

Please excuse Gloria from Jim today. She is administrating.

Please excuse Roland from P.E. for a few days.
Yesterday he fell out of a tree and misplaced his hip.

John has been absent because he had two teeth taken out of his face.

Carlos was absent yesterday because he was playing football.
He was hurt in the growing part.

Megan could not come to school today because
she has been bothered by very close veins.

Chris will not be in school cus he has an acre in his side.

Please excuse Ray Friday from school. He has very loose vowels.

Please excuse Pedro from being absent yesterday.  (This is my favorite one)
He had diahre dyrea direathe the shits.

Irving was absent yesterday because he missed his bust.

Please excuse Jimmy for being. It was his father's fault.

I kept Billie home because she had to go
Christmas shopping because I don't know what size she wear.

Please excuse Jennifer for missing school yesterday.
We forgot to get the Sunday paper off the porch,
and when we found it Monday, we thought it was Sunday.

Sally won't be in school a week from Friday.
We have to attend her funeral.

My daughter was absent yesterday because she was tired.
She spent a weekend with the Marines.

Please excuse Jason for being absent yesterday.
He had a cold and could not breed well.

Please excuse Mary for being absent yesterday.
She was in bed with gramps.

Gloria was absent yesterday as she was having a gangover.

Please excuse Brenda, she has been sick and under the doctor.

Maryann was absent December 11-16, because she had a fever,
sore throat, headache and upset stomach. Her sister was also sick,
fever and sore throat, her brother had a low grade fever and ached
all over. I wasn't the best either, sore throat and fever. There
must be something going around, her father even got hot last night.

PREGNANCY Q & A & more!

Q: Should I have a baby after 35?
A: No, 35 children is enough.

Q: I'm two months pregnant now. When will my baby move?
A: With any luck, right after he finishes college.

Q: What is the most reliable method to determine a baby's sex?
A: Childbirth

Q: My wife is five months pregnant and so moody that sometimes she's
borderline irrational.
A: So what's your question?

Q: My childbirth instructor says it's not pain I'll feel during labor,
but pressure. Is she right?
A: Yes, in the same way that a tornado might be called an air current.

Q: When is the best time to get an epidural?
A: Right after you find out you're pregnant.

Q: Is there any reason I have to be in the delivery room while my wife
is in labor?
A: Not unless the word "alimony" means anything to you

Q: Is there anything I should avoid while recovering from childbirth?
A: Yes, pregnancy.

Q: Do I have to have a baby shower?
A: Not if you change the baby's diaper very quickly.

Q: Our baby was born last week. When will my wife begin to feel and act
normal again?
A: When the kids are in college.

"ESTROGEN ISSUES"
10 WAYS TO KNOW IF YOU HAVE "ESTROGEN ISSUES"

1. Everyone around you has an attitude problem.
2. You're adding chocolate chips to your cheese omelet
3. The dryer has shrunk every last pair of your jeans.
4. Your husband is suddenly agreeing to everything you say.
5. You're using your cellular phone to dial up every bumper sticker
that says: "How's my driving-call 1- 800-"
6. Everyone's head looks like an invitation to batting practice.
7. Everyone seems to have just landed here from "outer space."
8. You can't believe they don't make a tampon bigger than Super Plus.
9. You're sure that everyone is scheming to drive you crazy.
10. The ibuprofen bottle is empty and you bought it yesterday.

TOP TEN THINGS ONLY WOMEN UNDERSTAND
10. Cats' facial expressions.
9. The need for the same style of shoes in different colors.
8. Why bean sprouts aren't just weeds.
7. Fat clothes.
6. Taking a car trip without trying to beat your best time.
5. The difference between beige, ecru, cream, off-white, and eggshell.
4. Cutting your hair to make it grow.
3. Eyelash curlers.
2. The inaccuracy of every bathroom scale ever made.
AND, the Number One Number One thing only women understand:

1. OTHER WOMEN

 

Tis the season!!

Subject: Scents in the Elevator

An Avon lady was alone in an elevator when suddenly she had to fart.

She promptly reached into her bag and sprayed the air with an Avon
Pine-Scented deodorizer. Two floors later, an elderly gentleman got on the
elevator.

He began to sniff, and the Avon lady asked, "Do you smell something?"

"Well, yes I do," he replied. "I'm not sure what it is, but it kind of
smells like someone shit under a Christmas tree."
 

A kid walked up to a guy wearing a 10-gallon hat, leather vest, leather chaps, and sneakers.

 The kid asked him, "Mr. Cowboy, why do you wear that big hat?"

 The cowboy replied, "Well, son, the big hat protects me from hot sun and driving rain, and at night I put it over my face when I sleep on the range, so it protects me then, too."

 The kid asked, "Why do you wear that leather vest?"

 "It also helps to keep the weather off me, and it has pockets where I can keep my valuables."

 "Well, why do you wear them leather chaps?"

 "They protect my legs when I'm driving my horse through mesquite and cactus."

 "Well, Mr. Cowboy," the kid finally asked, "Why do you wear them SNEAKERS??"

 "That's so somebody won't think I'm a damn truck driver."  

When I was young I used to pray for a bike.

Then I realized that God doesn't work that way.

So I stole a bike and prayed for forgiveness.

How many frat guys does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Five: One to hold the bulb, and four to guzzle beer until the room spins.

"In the 60's people took acid to make the world weird."

"Now that the world is weird, people take Prozac to make it normal."

We have moved!

This is probably the funniest date story ever, first date or not!!!

We have all had bad dates...but this takes the cake. This just tells you how tough it is to be single nowadays .

This was on the "Tonight Show" with Jay Leno. Jay went into the audience to find the most  embarrassing first date that a woman ever had. The winner described her worst first date experience. There absolutely no question as to why her tale took the prize!

She said it was midwinter... snowing and quite cold...and the guy had taken her skiing to Lake Arrowhead. It was a day trip (no overnight).
They were strangers, after all, and truly had never met before. The outing was fun but relatively uneventful until they were headed home
late that afternoon. They were driving back down the mountain, when she gradually began to realize that she should not have had that extra latte.  They were about an hour away from anywhere with a rest room and in the middle of nowhere! Her companion suggested she try to hold it, which she did for a while.

Unfortunately, because of the heavy snow and slow going, there came a point where she told him that he had better stop and let her pee beside the road, or it would be the front seat of his car. They stopped and she quickly crawled out beside the car, yanked her pants down and started.
Unfortunately, in the deep snow she didn't have good footing, so she let her butt rest against the rear fender to steady herself. Her companion
stood on the side of the car watching for traffic and indeed was a real gentleman and refrained from peeking. All she could think about was the relief she felt despite the rather embarrassing nature of the situation. Upon finishing however, she soon became aware of another sensation.

As she bent to pull up her pants, the young lady discovered her buttocks were firmly glued against the car's fender. Thoughts of tongues frozen to pump handles immediately came to mind as she attempted to disengage her flesh from the icy metal. It was quickly apparent that she had a brand new problem due to the extreme cold. Horrified by her plight and yet aware of the humor she answered her date's concerns about "what is taking so long" with a reply that indeed, she was "freezing her butt off and in need of some assistance"!

He came around the car as she tried to cover herself with her sweater and then, as she looked imploringly into his eyes, he burst out laughing.
She too, got the giggles and when they finally managed to compose themselves, they assessed her dilemma. Obviously, as hysterical as the
situation was, they also were faced with a real problem. Both agreed it would take something hot to free her chilly cheeks from the grip of the
icy metal! Thinking about what had gotten her into the predicament in the first place, both quickly realized that there was only one way to
get her free. S! o, as she looked the other way, her first-time date proceeded to unzip his pants and pee her butt off the fender.

As for the Tonight Show... she took the prize hands down... or perhaps that should be "pants down." And you thought your first date was
embarrassing.

Jay Leno's comment - - - - This gives a whole new meaning to being "pissed off".

Is that a Yamaha she is riding?

Snappy Answer #1 >A flight attendant was stationed at the departure gate to check tickets. As >a man approached, she extended her hand for the ticket, and he opened his >trench coat and flashed her. Without missing beat she said, ;"Sir, I need to >see your ticket, not your stub." > >

Snappy Answer #2 >A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store, but >couldn't find one big enough for her family. She asked a stock boy, "Do these >turkeys get any bigger?" The stock boy replied, "No ma'am, they're dead." > >

Snappy Answer #3 >The cop got out of his car and the kid who was stopped for speeding rolled >down his window."I've been waiting for you all day," the cop said. The kid >replied, "Yeah, well I got here as fast as I could." When the cop finally >stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way without a ticket. > >

Snappy Answer #4 >A truck driver was driving along on the freeway. A sign came up that read >low bridge ahead. Before he knew it the bridge was right ahead of him and he >was stuck under the bridge. Cars backed up for miles. Finally, a police car >arrived. The cop got out of his car and walked around to the truck driver, put >his hands on his hips and said, "Got stuck, huh?" The truck driver said, >"No, I was delivering this bridge and ran out of gas." > >

Can't get enough? The BEST is LAST! >A pompous minister was seated next to a TEXAN on a flight to Dallas. After >the plane was airborne, drink orders were taken. The TEXAN asked for a >whiskey and soda, which was brought and placed before him. The flight attendant >then asked the minister if he would like a drink. He replied in disgust,"I'd >rather be savagely raped by brazen whores than let liquor touch my lips. " The >TEXAN looked at the minister, then handed his drink back to the attendant >and said, 'I didn't know we had a choice." > > >

The divorce court judge said: "Mr. Smith, I have decided to give your wife $275 a week."

To which Mr. Smith said: "That's very fair, your honor. And every now and then, I'll try to send her a few bucks, too!"  

The first half of our lives is ruined by our parents...and the second half by our children!!! 

An irate wife was complaining about her husband spending all his free time in a bar, so one night he took her along with him. "What'll you have?" he asked.

"Oh, I don't know. The same as you I suppose," she replied. So, the husband ordered a couple of Jack Daniel's and threw his down in one shot.

His wife watched him, then took a sip from her glass and immediately spat it out. "Yuck, that's TERRIBLE!" she spluttered. "I don't know how you can drink this stuff!"

"Well, there you go," cried the husband. "And you think I'm out enjoying myself every night!"

Little Johnny stared at his test paper. The big read "F" stared back at him.

 Freddie looked at his glum friend and asked, "Why did you get such a low grade on that test?"

 "Because of an absence," Johnny answered.

 "You mean you were absent on the day of the test?" he questioned.

 Little Johnny replied, "No, but the kid who sits next to me was."

A stingy old lawyer who had been diagnosed with a terminal illness was determined to prove wrong the saying, "You can't take it with you."

 After much thought and consideration, the old ambulance chaser finally figured out how to take at least some of his money with him when he died.

 He instructed his wife to go to the bank and withdraw enough money to fill two pillowcases. He then directed her to take the bags of money to the attic and leave them directly above his bed.

 His plan: When he passed away, he would reach out and grab the bags on his way to Heaven.

 Several weeks after the funeral, the deceased lawyer's wife, up in the attic cleaning came upon the two forgotten pillowcases stuffed with cash.

 "Oh, that old fool," she exclaimed. "I knew he should have had me put the money in the basement."

A couple were going out for the evening.
 
They'd gotten ready, dressed, dog put out and ready to leave. The taxi
arrives and as the couple start out, the dog shoots back into the house.
They don't want the dog shut in the house, so the wife goes out to the taxi while the husband goes upstairs to chase the dog out.
 
The wife, not wanting it known that the house will be empty explains to the taxi driver: "He's just going upstairs to say good-bye to my mother."
 
A few minutes later, the husband gets into the cab. "Sorry I took so long" he says. "Stupid bitch was hiding under the bed and I had to poke her with a coat hanger to get her to come out! Then I had to wrap her in a blanket to keep her from scratching and biting me as I hauled her ass downstairs and tossed her into the back yard! She better not shit in the vegetable garden again!"

The silence in the cab was deafening.

When I was a kid we were so poor, we would go to KFC and lick other peoples fingers...

In the back woods of West Virginia, the redneck's wife went into labor in the middle of the night, and the doc was called to assist
in the delivery.  Since there was no electricity, the doc handed the father-to-be a lantern and said,  "Here, you hold this high so I can
see what I'm doin'!"
Soon, a baby boy was brought into the world. "Whoa There," said the  doc.  "Don't be in a rush to put the lantern down...  I think
there's yet another one to come!"  Sure enough, within minutes he had delivered a baby girl.
"No, no, don't be in a great hurry to be puttin' down that lantern... it seems there's yet another one on there!" cried the doctor.
The Nascar fan scratched his head in bewilderment and asked the doc,
"Do ya think it's the light that's attractin' 'em?"

How do you know when you spend too much time with your bike?

When there is grass growing on your lawn mower.

(a picture I took of my own mower the other day, Keith)

Q: How do you get an actor off your front porch?

 A: Pay him for the pizza.

A one-dollar bill met a twenty-dollar bill and said, "Hey, where have you been? I haven't seen you around here much." The twenty answered, "I've been hanging out at the casinos, went on a cruise and did the rounds of the ship, back to the United States for a while, went to a couple of baseball games, to the mall, that kind of stuff. How about you?" The one dollar bill said, "You know, same old stuff - church, church, church."

A newly married couple were having their first fight, and finally the husband said, "When we got married, you promised to love, honor and obey."

 The wife responded, "I know. But I didn't want to start an argument in front of all those people!"

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Vegetarian: Indian word for "lousy hunter".

Mistaken positioning

Joe and Ed, both from Duluth, Minnesota, were standing in the shallow end of a swimming pool at the Fountain of Youth RV park at California's Salton Sea, discussing how happy they were to be in sunny California rather than being back in frigid Minnesota. As they were talking, Ed noticed something funny about his friend's ear. "Joe," he said, "do you know you've got a suppository in your left ear?" Startled, Joe replied, "I have a suppository in my ear???"

"That's right," said Ed, "you have a suppository in your ear."

Joe immediately pulled it out, then said, "Thanks, buddy. I'm glad you saw this thing. Now I know where I put my hearing aid."

More Stupid Tourist Questions

There's no such thing as a stupid question. Right? Not if you ask the National Park rangers who compiled this list of actual questions asked by park visitors.

At Grand Canyon National Park:
"Was this man-made?"
"Is there an elevator to the bottom?"
"Do you light it up at night?"
"Is the mule train air-conditioned?"
"Where are the faces of the presidents?"

At Carlsbad Caverns National Park:
"How much of the caves is underground?"
"So whats in the unexplored part of the cave?"
"Does it ever rain in here?"
"So what is this, just a hole in the ground?"
"How many ping pong balls would it take to fill it up?"

At Everglades National Park:
"Are the alligators real?"
"Are the baby alligators for sale?"
"When does the two o'clock bus leave?"

At Yosemite National Park:
"What time of year do you turn on Yosemite Falls?"
"What happened to the other half of Half Dome?"

At Alaska's Denali National Park:
"What time do you feed the bears?"
"How often do you mow the tundra?"
"How much does Mount McKinley weigh?"

At Mesa Verde National Park:
"Did people build this, or did Indians?"
"Do you know of any undiscovered ruins?"
"Why did they build the ruins so close to the road?"

Moonlighting

An RVer in a motorhome got hopelessly bogged down in an unexpected muddy hole along a dirt road. After a few minutes, a passing farmer drove by on his tractor and offered to pull him out for only $20. After the motorhome was back on dry ground, the RVer said to the farmer, "At those prices, I bet you're pulling vehicles out of this mud day and night."

"Can't," replied the farmer. "At night I haul water for the hole."

Many RVers will identify with these "laws of nature"

"OLD" is when your sweetie says, "Let's go upstairs and make love," and you answer, "Honey, I can't do both!"

"OLD" is when your friends compliment you on your new alligator shoes and you're barefoot.

"OLD" is when a sexy babe catches your fancy and your pacemaker opens the garage door

"OLD" is when going bra-less pulls all the wrinkles out of your face.

"OLD" is when you don't care where your spouse goes, just as long as you don't have to go along.

"OLD" is when you are cautioned to slow down by the doctor instead of by the police.

"OLD" is when "Getting a little action" means I don't need to take any fiber today.

"OLD" is when "Getting lucky" means you find your car in the parking lot.

"OLD" is when "all nighter" means not getting up to potty !

Who says says stepping on the gas and turning left is a rough sport?

                                  If a redneck was president!

A hillbilly farmer who wanted to get a divorce paid to visit a lawyer.
The lawyer said "How can I help you?"
The farmer said "I want to get one of them thar dayvorces."
The lawyer said "Do you have any grounds?"
The farmer replied "Yes, I got 40 acres."
The lawyer said " NO,No, You don't understand....Do you have a suit?"
The farmer said "Yes,I got a suit, I wears it to church on Sundays."
The lawyer said " NO,NO, I mean do you have a case?"
The farmer said "No, I ain't got a Case, but I do got a John Deere."
The lawyer said, " NO, I mean do you have a grudge?"
The farmer said " Sure, I got a grudge...That's where I parks the John Deere."
The lawyer says "Does your wife beat you up or something?"
The farmer said "NO, we both get up at 4:30."
The lawyer said " Is your wife a nagger?"
 

The Aging Explorer 

 A young reporter went to a retirement home to interview an aged but legendary explorer. The reporter asked the old man to tell him the most frightening experience he had ever had.

The old explorer said, "Once I was hunting Bengal tigers in the jungles of India. I was on a narrow path and my faithful native gunbearer was behind me. Suddenly the largest tiger I have ever seen leaped onto the path in front of us. I turned to get my weapon only to find the native had fled. The tiger leapt toward me with a mighty ROARRRR! I soiled myself."

 The reporter said, "Under those circumstances anyone would have done the same."

 The old explorer said, "No, not then - just now when I went ''''ROARRRR!''''"

While on a car trip, an old couple stopped at a roadside restaurant for lunch. The old woman unfortunately left her glasses on the table, but didn't miss them until they were back on the highway.

 By then, they had to travel quite a distance before they could find a place to turn around. The old man fussed and complained all the way back to the restaurant.

 When they finally arrived, as the old woman got out of the car to retrieve her glasses, the old man said, "While you're in there, you may as well get my hat, too."

An airliner was having engine trouble, and the pilot instructed the cabin crew to have the passengers take their seats and get prepared for an emergency landing.

 A few minutes later, the pilot asked the flight attendants if everyone was buckled in and ready.

 "All set back here, Captain," came the reply, "except one lawyer who is still going around passing out business cards!"

As the lawyer slowly came out of the anesthesia after surgery, he said, "Why are all the blinds drawn, doctor?"

 "There's a big fire across the street," the doctor replied. "We didn't want you to think the operation was a failure."

A Sunday school teacher was teaching her class about the difference between right and wrong.

 "All right children, let's take another example," she said. "If I were to get into a man's pocket and take his billfold with all his money, what would I be?"

Little Johnny raises his hand, and with a confident smile, he blurts out, "You'd be his wife!"

 A husband stepped on one of those penny scales that tell a person's fortune and weight. "Listen to this," he said to his wife, showing her a small, white card. "It says I'm energetic, bright, and resourceful."

"Yeah," his wife nodded, "and it has your weight wrong, too."

This may work for you at the next race.

A loaded mini van pulled in to the only remaining campsite. Four children leaped from the vehicle and began feverishly unloading gear and setting up the tent.  The boys rushed to gather firewood, while the girls and their mother set up the camp stove and cooking utensils. A nearby camper marveled to the youngsters' father, "That, sir, is some display of teamwork."  

The father replied, "I have a system; no one goes to the bathroom until the camp is set up."

Statistics tell us that married men are likely to live 3 years longer than single men.

 But psychology tells us that married men are more willing to die!

A lady opened her refrigerator and saw a rabbit sitting on one of the shelves.

"What are you doing in there?" she asked.

The rabbit replied: "This is a Westinghouse, isn't it?"

The lady replied, "Yes."

"Well," the rabbit said, "I'm westing!"

Dear Consumers:
 
 It has come to our attention that a few copies of the
WINDOWS 2000 TEXAS
EDITION may have accidentally been shipped outside
the STATE.
 
If you have one of these, you may need help
understanding the commands.
 
The TEXAS EDITION may be recognized by the unique
opening screen. It reads:
WINDERS 2000, with a background picture of Willie
Nelson superimposed on a
bottle of Jack Daniels.
 
Please also note:
 
The Recycle Bin is labeled "Outhouse"
 My Computer is called "This Dern Contraption"
 Dial Up Networking is called "Good Ol' Boys"
 Control Panel is known as "The Dashboard"
 Hard Drive is referred to as "4-Wheel Drive"
 Floppies are "Them little ol' plastic thangs"
 
 Error messages are as follows:
 
 
 
CHANGES IN TERMINOLOGY IN TEXAS EDITION:
 Cancel............... stopdat
 Reset.................. try'er agin
 Yes...................... yep
 No........................ nope
 Find..................... hunt fer it
 Go to................... over yonder
 Back.................... back yonder
 Help..................... hep me out here
 Stop..................... kwitit (WHOA!)
 Start..................... crank'er up
 Settings.............. settins
 Programs........... stuff at duz stuff
 Documents........ stuff ah done did
 
Also note that the TEXAS EDITION does not recognize
capital letters or
punctuation marks.
 
Some programs that are exclusive to WINDERS 2000:
 
 Tiperiter................................ a word
processing program
 Colerin' Book...................... a graphics
program
 Cyferin' Mersheen............. calculator
 Outhouse Paper................. notepad
 Inner-net............................... Microsoft
explorer 5.0
 Pitchers................................ a
graphics viewer
 
We regret any inconvenience it may have caused. If
you received a copy of
the TEXAS EDITION, you may return it to Microsoft for
a replacement version.
 
 
 I hope this helps all y'all!
 
Billy Bob Gates
 

What do your call it when two nuts disagree?

A difference of a Piñon!

A lawyer is standing in a long line at the box office. Suddenly, he feels a pair of hands kneading his shoulders, back, and neck. The lawyer turns around.
"What the hell do you think you're doing?"
"I'm a chiropractor, and I'm just keeping in practice while I'm waiting in line."
"Well, I'm a lawyer, but you don't see me screwing the guy in front of me, do you?"

Q: What has 132 legs and 8 teeth?

A: The front row of a Garth Brooks concert!

Is this where you work?

A man walking along a California beach was deep in prayer.
Suddenly the sky clouded above his head and, in a booming voice,
the Lord said, "Because you have TRIED to be faithful to me in all ways, I
will grant you one wish. "The man said, "Build a bridge to Hawaii so I can drive over
anytime I want." The Lord said, "Your request is very materialistic. Think of the
enormous challenges for that kind of undertaking. The supports required to
reach the bottom of the Pacific! The concrete and steel it would take! It
will nearly exhaust several natural resources. I can do it, but it is hard for me to
justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time and think of
something that would honor and glorify me."
The man thought about it for a long time. Finally he said, "Lord,
I wish that I could understand my wife. I want to know how she feels inside,
what she's thinking when she gives me the silent treatment, why she cries,
what she means when she says 'nothing's wrong,' and how I can make a woman truly
happy."
The Lord replied, "You want two lanes or four on that bridge?"